12.5.23 | another one down the hatch, as i treat myself to a night of freedom. all that’s happened, i earned it. to a springsteen song, dance like no one’s watching. there’s been days spent discovering how to cope with reality, my reality more specifically. i’ve done things i told myself i’d never do but humans are unpredictable in desperation. many words have been given to aid, but even at my strongest attempts have gone through me. that ship passed me by a while ago, i’m comfortable on this lifeboat now. so as the needle spins to the label and the sun starts to rise, i’ll suit up and go to war. as long as i’m back by sundown.

12.1.23 | so un-oblivious to how indebted i am to you. whether the suns on the east or west, i’d drop everything. and i hate it. i hate when you ask me to show up outside your door at 2AM. i hate that i scramble to show up everytime. i hate how much i enjoy it when you use me. and i hate how much it somehow still hurts when you send me home. lcd soundsystem is playing on the drive back. i’ll do it again and again, i don’t know why.

12.31.23 | cigarette butts line the cracks of the sidewalk. arms up, head down. arms up, head down. minor inconveniences keep me up through the late hours of the night. does he deserve this? do i deserve him? arms up, head down. i just want that again.

1.6.24 | contact in the back of the car. window’s cracked a little bit. indecisive, confused, a little stupid, lazy? these new beginnings have me thinking of my future really hard. how much of it will i get to see, how much of it will i get to enjoy. who will i lose in the process. marlboros for aesthetic. looking for the light in between, trying to find where to place my focus box.

1.15.24 | i still taste your tongue in my mouth. somehow the space in my room is still occupied by you, and there's nothing i hate more than being watched at my worst.

1.26.24 | i think i’ve finally been consumed. my hands grow cold if i don’t feel the static for too long. the numbers run through my brain like a disease. i’m pushing my friends away and giving my soul to the internet while my body lays lifeless in the real world. my escape from our crumbling reality turned parasitic once i learned there’s no escape from whatever i was running from, digital or physical. my dreams of reaching past what has been underestimated of me shrink to their smallest this time cause even if i get what i’ve been aching for, it’ll be ripped from my hands the next morning.

2.25.24 | switched back to my old deodorant, scents of september and sunroofs. the summer never lasted longer. on the bedroom floor sharing sins through a glass. that hoodie wrapped around my head. if i died like that i wouldn’t mind, and now, im sure you wouldn’t either.